You Signed Up for a Hash!

Suggestions for the Would-be Hare from Bubble Cumm   

Please take a minute to read some important info about being a Dallas or Ft. Worth Hare.

• The earlier you advise the hash of where the start will be, the greater the turn out. Let The appropriate Hair Raiser or Webmiester know where your start will be and we'll get it posted to the hash.
• If possible get the start and end close to each other, so we won't have to make a car run.
• Pick a good end location, where we won't get run off by the cops.
• Hint: pick a great end location first, and then build you hash trail around it.
• Remember to make maps to the beer check and the end, and place said maps under the windshield of a car at the start, for hashers that got f*ucked up trying to figure out your trail.
• Have an On After.
• If you need help ask! — especially if you are a virgin hare.
• Looks like both hashes will be having kegs this year. We will NOT pay for any beer check beer. If you want to make it a special hash and buy some good beer please do, but The Hash won't pay for it. Give a little back to the hash that has shown you a good time since you joined!
• Don't make the trail too long. 3 to 4 miles for a Saturday/Sunday hash is long enough. If it's going to be a Monday hash, make it short (2 miles is good) and don't have a beer check.
• Never Cross your own trail, or get close enough so the hashers who range come across it.
• Never cross a freeway, unless it's overr or under it.
• Use twice as much flour as you think you need. Flour can blow away and get missed.  
• If for some reason you need to bail: DON'T!— otherwise let the appropriate Hare Raiser know ASAP so something can be done about it before it is too late.

 

 

 

More Suggestions for the Would-be Hare from Smutt Mutt

Out of pocket costs:

• The beermeister buys beer, soda, water, & munchies
• The only thing you buy is the flour
• A maximum of two (2) hares pay no hash cash; this makes up for the cost of flour, chalk, and/or toilet paper

Where to Lay Your Hash

1. Location:
   • About any place you find that looks cool to you is fine. Everyone likes something different, so if it's your hash you get to choose the terrain. However, if this awesome place you want to lay a trail is on private property get permission first.
2. Turnout:
   • In general, the further from town you lay a hash, the fewer hashers will show up. For instance, if you lay a hash in Rockwall you'll see fewer hashers there, although a few die-hards will always show up no matter where it is. If it's mid-cities you'll probably have a good turnout. Another place to almost be guaranteed a good turnout is any hash near White Rock Lake. There seems to be a sizeable crowd that lives near that "lake" that don't want to drive more than 5 miles to free beer.

Location Must-Haves:

Okay you've found this really cool area to lay a hash in. Great! Here's what you gotta find before you start laying flour:

1. Starting Place
   • There should be enough parking for everyone you expect to show up
   • Make sure that it's okay to park there. Hashers seem to get pissed off when they get back from the circle up and find that their cars have been towed.
   • Try to find a spot that's easy to give good directions to. If it's a brand new area the roads may not be on the Mapsco yet.
   • If you're laying a middle of summer hash, it's nice if there's some shade around.
   • Some good locations are Mall/Shopping Center parking lots. If someone gets lost finding the start they can always get directions to some mall or a Wal-Mart.
2. Beer Check
   • This should be a place where the hashers can slam a beer without getting harassed. They'll only be there about 15 minutes, so this is fairly easy to find.
   • If you plan on having the beer truck drive there it should be easy to find and accessible by a 2-wheel drive vehicle.
   • If you want to stash the beer, in a cooler or whatever, you can have the beer-check almost anywhere. If you do this leave a trash bag for empties.
   • Put a gallon jug of water in the cooler especially if it's really hot.
3. On-In
   • This is usually the toughest place to find because:
     1. We'll be there at least an hour and it's better if we're not bothered by police or whoever.
     2. If it's cold, try to find a place out of the wind. If we can build a bonfire without getting into trouble that's real cool!
     3. In it's hot, try to find some shade ... if possible.
     4. If it's a live lay, you'd better use a place we've never been before or someone might guess where you're going and beat you there, (someone like me)
     5. The beer truck and others have to be able to get in and out of there and you have to be able to give directions how to get there.
     6. If the On-In is near water and the weather is warm, scout the place out about sundown. I can remember the circle up getting run off one time by mosquitoes.
     7. If you see a fire-ant mound every 10 feet - probably not a good place for an On-In.
   • If it's a particularly nasty/shiggy hash, it's nice to have a water hose or creek around to wash off. (I happen to be particularly fond of watching and/or helping the harriets bathe!)
   • If the On-In is at a bar, you'd better bring a fist full of cash ... we always drink more than planned.
   • If it's within walking distance of the start then it's less trouble hauling people back to the cars.
   • In general, find some place secluded where no one will notice or hear us.
4. On-On-On
   • MUST SELL OR ALLOW BEER!
   • Usually a dive bar, but doesn't have to be.
   • They need to have food, or allow food. (example, allow us to order Domino's)
   • Should be fairly cheap, like most of the hashers.
   • It's really great if you find a cool place we've never used before.
   • Probably the best place to have this is at a hasher's home because:
     1. We don't have to worry about DUI's
     2. The party usually lasts longer
     3. More singing and drinking games
     4. If you feed us its okay to ask for donations, or we can order pizza
     5. Hot tubs and/or pools are encouraged

Laying the Trail

• First of all if you've never hared before, get a co-hare! Many of us know almost as much about laying a successful hash as we think we do.
• Scout your trail beforehand (if you can scout it from your car - try another trail.)
• Plan all you shiggy, streets, cool-overlooks, beer-checks, and On-In carefully. Good lay's don't just happen, it takes some planning.
• Don't skimp on the flour! I start out with at least 50 lbs. of flour (under $10).
• Be creative. You're not catering to any special interest group, especially the competitive runners.
• Don't try and make the trail hard to follow! It's far better to lay a trail that's easy to find and a son of a bitch to traverse, than vice-versa.
• Try to keep the pack together. By doing so everyone can see when someone screws up, and generally has more fun. There's several ways to do this:
  1. Checks: at least one every quarter-mile on the streets, more often in the shiggy. Consider creative checks:
     1. song check (sing song after most of pack gets there)
     2. women's check (only women can solve)
     3. little dick check (similar to women's check...)
     4. back check with a number in it to count dollops back
     5. backward clothing check (turn clothes inside out or backwards before looking for trail)
     6. FRB beer check (FRBs have to stay and drink the single beer on the check), etc.
  2. Blowjobs: Everyone loves blowjobs. Big blow-jobs, small blow-jobs, ones that cross big rocks, wet blow-jobs, dry blow-jobs, even ones that last 3 blocks, oh blow-jobs, I love blow jobs ... (sorry, I got carried away for a minute there!) Be creative with these, the idea is to screw the FRB's. I try to lay more blowjobs than checks, but that's just me. One last thing about blowjobs, they don't need to be incredibly long. <-- Pussy Tail
  3. Back Checks: This is a really cool way to make the FRB's cross some nasty obstacle twice. Put the check on one side, and the back check on the other.
  4. Turtle Checks: Problem with these is that not everyone stops at them. They're useful for a scenic spot though.
  5. Lay a big loop around the start so that it takes 10 minutes or so to get out of sight of the cars. If someone shows up a little late they'll see the pack and join them.
  6. Zigzag the trail. Sometimes you can find a way to make the FRB's run a crooked path while allowing the walkers to go in a straight line.
  7. Circle Jerks: I'm not a real fan of these, but if you do lay one make it obvious that it's a circle jerk once the FRB's have run to the end of it.
  8. Arkansas Blowjobs: This is an unmarked blowjob (the trail just runs out). Good trails never need "Arkansas Blowjobs". They just piss off hashers so they'll never run your trails again. And, if a couple of your hash marks get removed (by rain, cars, or whatever) the hashers may think they're it's an "Arkansas Blowjob" and get really lost.
  9. Ideally, the DFL's should reach the beer-check & On-In within 5 minutes of the FRB's. If the slower hashers say the hash was a cake-walk while the FRB's ran their ass off, ya done good.
• Try and tailor the number/difficulty of checks to the size of your hash. Bigger hashes get more spread out so they need more/tougher checks but if a dozen hashers have to work through 25 checks it's going to take them a long time. This is a tough one to nail because you never know what your turnout will be or how may of the really good/fast FRB's will show up
• I know we're all big boys and girls, but the less busy street crossings the better. I've come close to being hit a few times because I'm looking for flour, watching my dog (and maybe some harriets ass), and not watching where I'm going. It's also harder to hear the "On-Calls" around a lot of traffic.
• Arrows are useful if, for some reason, you have a stretch of the trail where you can't lay flour. Arrows should always be true. They're also a great help if you somehow start running trail backwards.
• Don't try to keep civilians from sweeping up your flour by hiding your flour! Just lay more flour. If you hide it we won't be able to find it either.
• If you're going to do something out of the ordinary that requires something special of the hounds, you have to make accommodations. For example if there's a tunnel, make sure everyone has a flashlight.
• If there's a swim required either make sure everyone can swim or has a way around.
  Note: It's okay to lie to at the start of the hash by telling everyone that they have to swim when there's no water, but it ain't cool the other way around.
• If the trail is not dog-friendly, you'd better get that on the hot-line before the hash.
• If you expect it to rain:
  1. Lay your dollops in big piles, and not in the gutters where they'll be sure to get washed away.
  2. Try and find places to lay it where it won't get wet, if possible.
  3. Flour will stay around better if you lay it in clumps rather than just throwing it on the ground. If you squeeze the clump and set it down it will hold together better.
  4. In rain, flour sticks to wood (trees, fences) better than grass, smooth surfaces or sidewalks.
  5. You really need to use a lot of flour on a wet hash because some your dollops are going to get washed away no matter how good of job you do laying it.
  6. Be extra careful when laying critical marks (checks, blowjobs, back checks, etc) because we'll have a hell of a time figuring out what to do if they're not there.
  7. Don't bother with chalk as it always washed away in the rain.
• If rains after you've laid your hash you must recheck it.
• If you're going through a field of high grass you can use toilet-paper. In high grass flour can be a bitch to follow, even if you've laid a lot of it.
• If different hares are laying different parts of the trail, make damn sure the trails connect! If one hare's trail ends a half-mile from where another trail starts we'll never find it.
• If you insist on laying the trail by car or bike, at least run the trail once yourself so it makes sense to us on foot and isn't too long. "I didn't realize that my trail was that long." is a B.S. excuse!
• If we're driving to the hash and see flour on the side of the road, we're going to shortcut your trail. So don't lay it on the road to your hash.
• Don't lay flour on fire-ant mounds. The son's of bitches will eat it in 10 minutes.
• Try finding interesting (but fairly safe) obstacles or sights. Cross old bridges or old railroad trussles, use a knotted rope to climb steep hills, have an Dark Side/Fool Moon On-In overlooking city lights, use several swings to cross creeks (make sure it is deep enough and safe)...
• Keep it interesting by not doing the same thing too long (i.e., don't run down the RR tracks or run a long straight street for over a mile), or wallow in a creek for 30 minutes (unless it is a great creek).) Hashers only have half a mind so they get bored quickly. Some try to get a little street in at the beginning so some people "get a little running in" before dumping them into lots of shiggy - - bad the other way around because the pack gets tired.
• Better a short interesting trail and fun long circle than visa-versa (hashers are too tired to join in.) You will not magically convert us all into marathoners by laying a really long street hash.

Other:

• You need to get the info for the hash to the hotline and the On-Secs as early as possible. This means good directions along with any special info for the hash. If you get the info to me with a little warning, I can make you a nice page for it. (I actually enjoy doing this).
• If you're doing something special that requires more than the usual $4 hash cash ($5 for Dallas), let people know ahead of time.
• If there's any special instructions for the hounds, be it special marks, stuff to watch out for, or whatever, don't forget to tell everyone at the start.
• Pickup Hashes: These are non-sponsored hashes, but are usually a lot of fun. The Dallas/Ft. Worth hash will advertise these for you (hotline and web-page) but you're responsible for the rest of the logistics, meaning you take care of purchasing the beer & munchies and get them to the hash, beer check, and On-In. The hash cash (which you set the price for and collect) is yours. You also need to figure out who will run the circle, pour beer, etc. In other word's, it's yours problem to make everything happen, but you can usually find volunteers if you give people a little notice. The pickup hashes include:
  1. Full Moon Hash
  2. Dark of the Moon Hash
  3. Feasting Morons Hash
  4. OTR Hash
  5. Pelvic Congestion Hash
  6. Family Hash
  7. Shooting Star Hash
• Almost every trail should have a sweep. The sweep's job is to keep the pack on course. It is not the sweeps responsibility to worry about stray hounds (like myself). If the pack gets hung up and cannot find true trail somewhere within a reasonable length of time you may have to help them. This doesn't necessarily mean that you laid a bad trail. Sometimes the trail that you've laid that's really obvious to you is completely invisible to 30 hounds. (Most of the FRB's are men who spend a lot of time doing something that is causing us to go blind...) Other times your trail could have been tampered with by homeowners with brooms (what's this white stuff?), fire ants, construction equipment, etc. Even if you did screw up you can always say, "My co-hare laid this part". Anyways, if you have to give pack verbal directions lay an obvious arrow to true trail in case someone else is still behind you. For this reason the sweep should carry a small bag of flour.
• Theme runs can be fun. Try to come up with something new or appropriate. Have hashers put on clothing left at checks, hide stuff in the check (Austin did glow in the dark bugs), try a treasure hunt, etc. Warning: If you encourage hashers to wear costumes then take them through costume shredding shiggy, they will revolt. Best costume runs are in high visibility areas.
• Sounds like a lot, but I've seen every one of these things go wrong on my 300+ hashes. Don't worry about trying to lay a perfect hash ... there is no such thing. Something will always go wrong. Just try your best and don't worry about not pleasing everybody, that's impossible.
• On-On
  Smut Mutt